Oh, Hi. Yes, yes I still exist.

So my last post was in October. I seem to randomly think about my blog at the oddest times and decide to update, no?

Reading through my last post I suppose not much has changed, but then again so many things have. So...my life is an oxymoron?

Disregard everything I'm typing. I'm up way too early.

I no longer have a car (that's another story for another time) and the bus system around here sucks. I'm still not in a relationship, but there is a person I'm interested in. For my sake, we'll call her Star. I'd just call her "girl", but that's too unoriginal and Star is far too unique to be categorized with everyone else.

I'm shaking my head right now because already my heart is in another place. Even thinking about her makes me go crazy. I'm crazy.

So I was reading in my last post (in OCTOBER) about me struggling with coming out. Most people around me now, if they didn't hear it from me, know that I'm gay. I suppose I'm okay with that. I don't know, I have this weird thing though. I'm okay with people knowing I'm gay for the most part, but I don't like being talked about. If someone is going to know I'm gay, I want to tell them.

Another thing that's been bothering me is that sometimes people will just poke fun at my sexuality. I don't like it. One of my friends asked me about this once. She didn't understand. She believes that mostly everyone around me has no problem with me being a lesbian, so the little jokes shouldn't bother me. It DOES bother me though. I guess I feel like if they're willing to make a joke, they may think me being gay is a joke.

I don't want to be a joke.

Back to Star though. That makes me happy.

She's amazing. Just amazing. I really cannot say much else. It's like...take all of the personality traits you've always wanted to possess and wanted in someone else and mold them into something beautiful. That's her. She's got a good head on her shoulders, good people around her, and while she isn't always quite sure what she wants to do with her life, she goes through life with her head held high and a smile on her face. She's talented. She's attractive. Her eyes. When she smiles....the way they squint.

Okay, okay, I'm done.

I cannot help but to smile whenever I'm around her. It's not that everything fades away, but I feel like she puts me at ease.

...and off to work I go.
Maybe I'll try updating this more.
Maybe.

I must admit, I'm becoming pretty bad at this...

I can't remember the last time I posted a blog and as I was looking at Post Secret this morning it dawned on me that I still had this blog. I don't think many people really read what I have to say, but I'd like to think in my own little word that I'm a little interesting.

I'm honest at the very least.

I've been really busy with work and school. Okay, let me tell the truth, I've been busy with work and only acting like I've been busy with school. I feel like I'm wasting away yet another semester of time and tuition. I don't know why I can't just get my ass into gear. I just get lazy, sidetracked, procrastinate or do other things like update a blog (ha).

I'm an aspiring musician. I have an audition coming up that I know in my heart I'm not even going to do because I am in no way prepared for it. My piece is far from ready, I'm so out of practice, and I don't even want to begin on sight reading. I'm, for the lack of a better word...a fucking mess. I don't know what to do or how to get myself to stop wasting my life away. I just don't have the motivation.

On top of all of that struggle, I feel like I'm having trouble finding myself. I had already confessed to a friend at the beginning of this year that I was bi-sexual. We talked about it and both believed that I was just going through a transition and sooner or later I would realize whether or not I had really liked guys or girls. I'm not even comfortable talking about it with anyone, so how am I suppose to figure this out? I know, that I've always liked girls, but I still have an attraction to guys. I think my problem now is trying to figure out if it's just because that's how I was raised. My family is strict Roman Catholic (and promised that they would "disown" me if I was "anything less than straight"...) and now I'm thinking that because I was raised like that I just feel like I should like guys. I also feel like I won't really know which way I "lean" until I've been in a relationship with a girl. I suppose that's what this time in your life is for though, right? Finding yourself. I know for a fact that I am throughly attracted to girls. I have always been. I'm just...I'm just not sure what I am any more. I hate how society puts labels on things. So much pressure!

I meant to make this longer, but I have things I actually need to get done today. I'm determined to practice and actually get some of my laundry done. I have a washer and drying in my place for that reason. I can't use the "I'm too lazy to go to the laundry mat" excuse anymore. Darn.

I'm also gaining weight...even more...which is bothering me. I've exercised twice this week. Not enough, I know. I need to stop eating out as well. Darn it all....darn it fucking all.

It's Been Awhile!

I've been quite busy with my life over the past couple of months, so I'm using that as my excuse as to why I have not been blogging, not to mention why I haven't even visited this site (aside from Post Secret) completely.

One thing I thought I'd share was my whole online dating experience. I had recently (actually, it's been quite a few months now...) signed up at an internet dating site. I had low expectations, but still had some hope that I might actually meet someone on it. Both of my parents, after divorcing, have found their current spouses through the internet. I thought I would give it a whirl. One guy finally starting chatting with me and was lived really close to my home, but the more I talked to him the less interested I became. He tried to impress me with his knowledge of politics and how active he was in relief efforts down south. I'm not trying to bash anything he did. I thought it was really nice how he volunteered time. The problem with everything he was saying, not to mention every single opinion he gave me and all of the information he threw my way was as soon as I would attempt to delve further into the topic, he would stumble and have nothing to say.

A.K.A.: Could. Not. Back. His. Shit. Up. (CNBHSU?...ha ha ha!, I love acronyms!)

Anyways, we finally met in person because I'm a nice girl and had lunch at a Panera close by. Same thing happened. Not only that, but he didn't even shake my hand, wave, or hug hello or goodbye. Not a gentleman at all. I realized why he was at that site in the first place.

Secondly, much more recently, and on a much more serious note. I had been inebriated a couple Sundays ago and was hanging out with some friends and some friends of friends. Some guy started talking to me (we'll call him El Douche) and I wasn't interested at all. He was boring and had no personality. I found him very annoying and even more so because I was slightly drunk. Next thing I know he's dragging me to my room and forcing himself on me. I didn't want to have sex with him. Long story short: I'm still pissed and upset. I went to a local clinic and paid more money than I do for my birth control for two small pills (Plan B/Morning After) just to be safe. I suppose that money is worth it considering it helps prevent me from getting pregnant.

Side Note: If you're reading this and this goes against your own ethics. Keep your opinions to yourself or just stop reading my blog. I'm not directly trying to offend you, so don't do that to me. Okay? Thanks?

Classes are keeping me busy as well as work. I have a full load of classes this semester and am still managing 25-30 hours a week. I barely have time to eat, but that's okay because I don't have money for groceries anyways. 'Tis the life of a student I suppose.

One other interesting thing happened in my Sociology class today. We were in groups working on a in-class mini project and some how got on the subject of music. I had stated to one of the older women in the group about how I listen to my iPod instead of the radio. She looked at me and grinned and asked if it was one of the video ones and I had told her yes. She didn't really glare at me, but I could tell by her impression that she had instantly labeled me as a girl who has everything handed to her. So I looked at her and told her that I've earned and worked for everything I have, including that iPod. Her apology made my day and I made a new friend. I like how situations can turn around like that.

I'm tired of typing and need to get something in my stomach. I'm going to try and make an effort though to try and blog a little more often. I love people's comments!

Men: We Should Just Throw Rocks At Them

Of course I don't understand men, I'm female. There are still several things I wish I knew though...or rather, some things I could just get over or avoid so I can actually find a decent one.

Recently, (and by recently I mean Nov. '06-Mar. '07) I went through I crazy period of my life where I would just go and party. I would "party hardy" and make out with random men. There was even once my so called friend (whom I have no contact with anymore, thankfully) dragged me 2 hours away from home with her boyfriend only to get me completely trashed (that's when I tried weed for the first time...yes, I know, so sheltered, right?), and the guys there took full advantage of me. I was so drunk I barely remember much. I remember puking up the hamburger helper in the bathroom sink (she was nice enough to hold my hair back...) and I remember both guys present (both having girlfriends, also trashed, ALSO present) attempting to have sex with me. Thankfully, I wasn't drunk enough to forget condoms. I may be drunk, but apparently, I'm still semi-responsible. Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day where I couldn't remember how many guys I kissed. One almost managed a blow job from me in the hallway until my conscience caught up with me.

I know what you're thinking right now and you're right: I was a whore ...or a slut which ever you see fit.

I went through that period in my life and I want to be rid of it. I don't want to be known as "that girl". I don't want to be known like that. I'm ready to settle down into something serious. The problem lies in my past though. Plus, I have trouble trusting men in general now.

During that whole phase I went through a few men.

The first. Around New Year's I had went to a party and was fairly inebriated. Not too much though. There was another guy there (single, of course). We had known each other and after talking for awhile there, we kissed. It was very sweet and even in a slightly intoxicated state, I didn't feel vulnerable, I felt comfortable. We ended up at my bedroom, where he locked the door and tried taking off my clothes. Which, of course, I didn't allow. So we laid in bed and chatted for hours. Nothing happened. It was just talking and we cuddled until we both feel asleep. Very cute.
I wake up the next morning to silence. He wants nothing to do with me. Does not say a word and just leaves. No goodbye, no hello, no...nothing. Never calls me back. Nothing. This was my first experience with "guy does not want anything else to do with me because I won't sleep with him"...type of man.

The second. The same girl that I previously mentioned in this post (the one I'm no longer friends with) tried setting me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. Bad idea. I came over one night to her apartment to see him there. We chatted. Slept next to each other that night to which cuddling ensued. He tried kissing me and I didn't withdraw...I believe because I wanted something so bad at this point to just work out. He wanted to have sex with me that night. I of course said no.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, he came up with his buddy again to escort my "friend" and I to a party. He wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't talk to any of my guy friends and he was being overly possessive. My best guy friend was there and told me to stay away. I was drunk and didn't care. We ended up on the same futon at my "friend"'s apartment. He tried having sex with me, I was too drunk to care...but I remembered telling him specifically "I'm too drunk and tired to have sex, you're just going to get disappointed."...and of course in his drunken state, he couldn't even stick it in me (I'm trying really hard not to be too profane in this post, sorry). He got pissed off...waddled to the bathroom to dispose of the condom...came back...thew my underwear at me and yelled, "YOU'RE WELCOME". As if I was suppose to be thanking him for the sex. Right.
Over the next couple month, whenever he would be in (he's in the National Guard) the area he would call me asking me if I wanted to get drunk with him and insinuate basically that he wanted to sleep with me. (Boys and girls, this is what we call a "Booty Call")
He still calls. I make up excuses. I suppose I'm too nice to call him a douche bag who should have his you-know-what removed.

The third. I was at another party. I was drunk, but not too drunk. I had not really kissed anyone. I was having a good time and loving just being around friends. I met a new guy and we started talking. He asked if I wanted to sit on the couch with him. I agreed and we kept talking. I think we might have kissed once, but we mostly cuddled. He kept telling me how cute and beautiful I was. He asked me back to his place, but I said no, because I've been in plenty similar situations and I didn't want to be in one again. He agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and he said he would call me the very next day. I didn't believe him because I thought he was really drunk, but he called me! For the first time in a long time I thought maybe, just MAYBE he was different. He picked me up from my place and took me to his. Showed me around his house and then we cuddled in his bed and watched Anchor Man Lot's of kisses (he was HORRIBLE/HORRIFYING...sloppy, wet, and gross)....at one point he asked me if I was wearing anything underneath my sweatshirt ...I said yes...and he asked me to take it off...I got scared and said no. After that, after not getting sex out of me that one time, I never talked to him unless I got a hold of him via his phone...in which case he was always busy...never wanted to talk.

I was just "another girl" again.

I don't want to be "another girl" ever again. Ever. Going through all of this, however has made me almost stop trusting guys in general. I would like to be in a relationship again, but it seems every guy is only in for one thing. Even the man I'm interested in now. The one who kissed me while we were both drunk a couple of weeks ago (see previous post, if you want to know more). He had recently broken up with his girlfriend (a little over a month now) and was talking to his friends...saying "If you have any hot friends, send them over, I'll have alcohol." He seems like an amazing guy...and at the same time, he says things like THAT.

I don't understand men.

Tell your cousins all about this...

I suppose by looking at my previous entries and the layout of my blog, it may seem as though I'm a really unhappy person. Which is NOT true! I'm naturally a really bubbly person. I smile a lot and I love life. So I don't want you people getting the wrong idea!

I just had a rough couple of days, which were consequently during the same time I started this blog.

I have to work tonight, which I actually don't mind because I have the next two days off. I plan on going to see the new Harry Potter movie. Which, the only complaint I have is the people who bitch about it. I've always been impressed with the movies. Seriously though folks, you cannot expect 900 pages to fit into the length of a movie. I hate the people who go to the movies simply to come out and complain about how it was nothing like the book. You'd think after the first movie and complaining about it, they wouldn't go to the next one. Obviously, their good enough to keep going back to and paying money to go see. Unless, you like paying to be able to complain. Take the movie for what it is, just like any movie....it's a flipping movie!

Okay, I'm done ranting. :)

I went for a little bike ride today. I usually do a lot of thinking when I exercise, but today I didn't. Oddly enough, the bike ride really cleared my head and I feel a lot better.

I'm working on cleaning my room and rearranging my stuff so it's ready when I have to move.

I'm also listening to Reel Big Fish's new album: Monkey's For Nothin' and the Chimps For Free. They are one of my favorite bands. I don't listen to much ska at all except for them. One thing I should let you know about me: I listen to almost every genre of music and if I haven't I will if you suggest something.

I should get back to cleaning though. I just got called in an hour early to work.
I might post again later on tonight.

*Cheers* Here's to happier posts! :)

If you land on your feet, I hope you find a way to make it back to me...

Not a really in depth post today. My room is a disaster right now and I really should get started cleaning it.

Cleaning is always a big project for me though, at least when it comes to my room. I like looking through everything and all of my old things. So it always takes me FOREVER.

I've been feeling a tad better these past couple of days and am almost back to my bubbly, perky self. I think my hormones definitely were to blame this week for my craziness.

I started buying things for my new apartment today which made me happy. It's like I'm getting ready for another chapter in my life. It makes me smile.

I know people don't want to see me complaining about my weight, but I got on the scale this morning, only to see it go up 1.6 pounds. That didn't make me happy at all. So what did I do? I had a bologna sandwich for breakfast and a bowl of mac and cheese for lunch. Healthy, no? I haven't bought groceries for about three weeks now and am living off of my room mates' food. It's cheaper, but I'm totally paying for it. I think after I get some of my room done I'm going to go out running before work. That will probably make me feel a little better.

I some how have it stuck in my head that if I lose the weight, he'll come into my life more. I know I'm wrong, but hey, there's nothing wrong with a little motivation right? No matter how wrong it may be. Funny thing is, I know it's wrong, but I still keep thinking that.

On a side note:

If you really are reading my blog, I would like feedback on the things I write, however, and I really stress this...do not criticize my grammar or hound me for the way I'm feeling. I made this so I could be honest with myself, but still allow others to see it. I still worry that people are going to get the wrong idea about me when they read this, but then I remember, you don't even know my real name, my age (which will probably seem evident over time), or where I live (apparently a place that speaks English). So in truth, I really shouldn't be that worried what people that I don't even know think. This is kind of my way of ridding myself of that fear.

Hope everyone else has a nice day!

They painted up your secrets with the lies they told to you...

For the record, I'm trying to post a new blog everyday. I plan on being completely honest in all of these posts. It's something I've never been able to do with other blogs because people I knew had access to them. I could never keep a private journal because it never did anything for me. Something about telling someone else my thoughts has always comforted me and now I can completely without worrying what other's will think. No one reading this really knows me. Hell, no one reading this even knows my real name. What is still comforting is the fact that I can get feed back at the same time.

I have never liked girls who have vocally projected to the world (and mind you, on a constant basis) that they think they are fat. So that isn't my intention in this post. I'm not striving for attention. If you think that, stop reading right here. I'm just getting out some feelings I have right now. Contrary to what everyone who knows me thinks, I have an incredibly low self-esteem. Incredibly low.

I weighed myself this morning (naked of course) to find I currently weigh 176.8 pounds (on a side note, I've never, EVER been honest with my weight with anyone). Now, this wouldn't be that much of a problem if I was, say, about 6 feet tall, however, I'm a mere 5'2". My best friend tries to tell me that some of the social problems I have aren't weight related, but I believe they are.

Girls that I'm friends with get more attention from guys. I'm not saying this attention is just because they're attractive. Don't get me wrong, the girls I'm mentioning are great girls. The thing is though...because they are at a nice weight, more people are drawn to them. I have to work harder than they do to get noticed by anyone because of my appearance. I know I have beautiful skin and a really cute face, but that doesn't matter.

I don't understand why I crave that attention, but it makes me really angry when I can be in a room of guys and girls, attempting to be social, start talking, only to be unheard and completely ignored because other girls who weigh less than I do are around.

Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I just need to build confidence, but for some reason I'm led to believe that isn't the case. I have it stuck firmly in my head now that the only way things are going to change is if I lose the weight. Around June 22nd I had started to try and eat healthier. I haven't realized it until now, but I had weighed around 185.2 then. So I suppose a weight loss of 8.4 pounds is not that bad. I should be proud of myself, but I want to weigh less. I think that's part of my problem. I get discouraged.

I realize my fixation with my weight is not a good one. I feel like though, if I can lose the weight, my self-confidence will grow and another problem in my life will be solved.

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts today. My mind is wandering. I may come back to this subject at a later time when I don't feel so rushed.