They painted up your secrets with the lies they told to you...

For the record, I'm trying to post a new blog everyday. I plan on being completely honest in all of these posts. It's something I've never been able to do with other blogs because people I knew had access to them. I could never keep a private journal because it never did anything for me. Something about telling someone else my thoughts has always comforted me and now I can completely without worrying what other's will think. No one reading this really knows me. Hell, no one reading this even knows my real name. What is still comforting is the fact that I can get feed back at the same time.

I have never liked girls who have vocally projected to the world (and mind you, on a constant basis) that they think they are fat. So that isn't my intention in this post. I'm not striving for attention. If you think that, stop reading right here. I'm just getting out some feelings I have right now. Contrary to what everyone who knows me thinks, I have an incredibly low self-esteem. Incredibly low.

I weighed myself this morning (naked of course) to find I currently weigh 176.8 pounds (on a side note, I've never, EVER been honest with my weight with anyone). Now, this wouldn't be that much of a problem if I was, say, about 6 feet tall, however, I'm a mere 5'2". My best friend tries to tell me that some of the social problems I have aren't weight related, but I believe they are.

Girls that I'm friends with get more attention from guys. I'm not saying this attention is just because they're attractive. Don't get me wrong, the girls I'm mentioning are great girls. The thing is though...because they are at a nice weight, more people are drawn to them. I have to work harder than they do to get noticed by anyone because of my appearance. I know I have beautiful skin and a really cute face, but that doesn't matter.

I don't understand why I crave that attention, but it makes me really angry when I can be in a room of guys and girls, attempting to be social, start talking, only to be unheard and completely ignored because other girls who weigh less than I do are around.

Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I just need to build confidence, but for some reason I'm led to believe that isn't the case. I have it stuck firmly in my head now that the only way things are going to change is if I lose the weight. Around June 22nd I had started to try and eat healthier. I haven't realized it until now, but I had weighed around 185.2 then. So I suppose a weight loss of 8.4 pounds is not that bad. I should be proud of myself, but I want to weigh less. I think that's part of my problem. I get discouraged.

I realize my fixation with my weight is not a good one. I feel like though, if I can lose the weight, my self-confidence will grow and another problem in my life will be solved.

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts today. My mind is wandering. I may come back to this subject at a later time when I don't feel so rushed.