Sunday, October 14, 2007

I must admit, I'm becoming pretty bad at this...

I can't remember the last time I posted a blog and as I was looking at Post Secret this morning it dawned on me that I still had this blog. I don't think many people really read what I have to say, but I'd like to think in my own little word that I'm a little interesting.

I'm honest at the very least.

I've been really busy with work and school. Okay, let me tell the truth, I've been busy with work and only acting like I've been busy with school. I feel like I'm wasting away yet another semester of time and tuition. I don't know why I can't just get my ass into gear. I just get lazy, sidetracked, procrastinate or do other things like update a blog (ha).

I'm an aspiring musician. I have an audition coming up that I know in my heart I'm not even going to do because I am in no way prepared for it. My piece is far from ready, I'm so out of practice, and I don't even want to begin on sight reading. I'm, for the lack of a better word...a fucking mess. I don't know what to do or how to get myself to stop wasting my life away. I just don't have the motivation.

On top of all of that struggle, I feel like I'm having trouble finding myself. I had already confessed to a friend at the beginning of this year that I was bi-sexual. We talked about it and both believed that I was just going through a transition and sooner or later I would realize whether or not I had really liked guys or girls. I'm not even comfortable talking about it with anyone, so how am I suppose to figure this out? I know, that I've always liked girls, but I still have an attraction to guys. I think my problem now is trying to figure out if it's just because that's how I was raised. My family is strict Roman Catholic (and promised that they would "disown" me if I was "anything less than straight"...) and now I'm thinking that because I was raised like that I just feel like I should like guys. I also feel like I won't really know which way I "lean" until I've been in a relationship with a girl. I suppose that's what this time in your life is for though, right? Finding yourself. I know for a fact that I am throughly attracted to girls. I have always been. I'm just...I'm just not sure what I am any more. I hate how society puts labels on things. So much pressure!

I meant to make this longer, but I have things I actually need to get done today. I'm determined to practice and actually get some of my laundry done. I have a washer and drying in my place for that reason. I can't use the "I'm too lazy to go to the laundry mat" excuse anymore. Darn.

I'm also gaining weight...even more...which is bothering me. I've exercised twice this week. Not enough, I know. I need to stop eating out as well. Darn it all....darn it fucking all.

No comments: