Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Men: We Should Just Throw Rocks At Them

Of course I don't understand men, I'm female. There are still several things I wish I knew though...or rather, some things I could just get over or avoid so I can actually find a decent one.

Recently, (and by recently I mean Nov. '06-Mar. '07) I went through I crazy period of my life where I would just go and party. I would "party hardy" and make out with random men. There was even once my so called friend (whom I have no contact with anymore, thankfully) dragged me 2 hours away from home with her boyfriend only to get me completely trashed (that's when I tried weed for the first time...yes, I know, so sheltered, right?), and the guys there took full advantage of me. I was so drunk I barely remember much. I remember puking up the hamburger helper in the bathroom sink (she was nice enough to hold my hair back...) and I remember both guys present (both having girlfriends, also trashed, ALSO present) attempting to have sex with me. Thankfully, I wasn't drunk enough to forget condoms. I may be drunk, but apparently, I'm still semi-responsible. Fast forward to St. Patrick's Day where I couldn't remember how many guys I kissed. One almost managed a blow job from me in the hallway until my conscience caught up with me.

I know what you're thinking right now and you're right: I was a whore ...or a slut which ever you see fit.

I went through that period in my life and I want to be rid of it. I don't want to be known as "that girl". I don't want to be known like that. I'm ready to settle down into something serious. The problem lies in my past though. Plus, I have trouble trusting men in general now.

During that whole phase I went through a few men.

The first. Around New Year's I had went to a party and was fairly inebriated. Not too much though. There was another guy there (single, of course). We had known each other and after talking for awhile there, we kissed. It was very sweet and even in a slightly intoxicated state, I didn't feel vulnerable, I felt comfortable. We ended up at my bedroom, where he locked the door and tried taking off my clothes. Which, of course, I didn't allow. So we laid in bed and chatted for hours. Nothing happened. It was just talking and we cuddled until we both feel asleep. Very cute.
I wake up the next morning to silence. He wants nothing to do with me. Does not say a word and just leaves. No goodbye, no hello, no...nothing. Never calls me back. Nothing. This was my first experience with "guy does not want anything else to do with me because I won't sleep with him"...type of man.

The second. The same girl that I previously mentioned in this post (the one I'm no longer friends with) tried setting me up with one of her boyfriend's friends. Bad idea. I came over one night to her apartment to see him there. We chatted. Slept next to each other that night to which cuddling ensued. He tried kissing me and I didn't withdraw...I believe because I wanted something so bad at this point to just work out. He wanted to have sex with me that night. I of course said no.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, he came up with his buddy again to escort my "friend" and I to a party. He wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't talk to any of my guy friends and he was being overly possessive. My best guy friend was there and told me to stay away. I was drunk and didn't care. We ended up on the same futon at my "friend"'s apartment. He tried having sex with me, I was too drunk to care...but I remembered telling him specifically "I'm too drunk and tired to have sex, you're just going to get disappointed."...and of course in his drunken state, he couldn't even stick it in me (I'm trying really hard not to be too profane in this post, sorry). He got pissed off...waddled to the bathroom to dispose of the condom...came back...thew my underwear at me and yelled, "YOU'RE WELCOME". As if I was suppose to be thanking him for the sex. Right.
Over the next couple month, whenever he would be in (he's in the National Guard) the area he would call me asking me if I wanted to get drunk with him and insinuate basically that he wanted to sleep with me. (Boys and girls, this is what we call a "Booty Call")
He still calls. I make up excuses. I suppose I'm too nice to call him a douche bag who should have his you-know-what removed.

The third. I was at another party. I was drunk, but not too drunk. I had not really kissed anyone. I was having a good time and loving just being around friends. I met a new guy and we started talking. He asked if I wanted to sit on the couch with him. I agreed and we kept talking. I think we might have kissed once, but we mostly cuddled. He kept telling me how cute and beautiful I was. He asked me back to his place, but I said no, because I've been in plenty similar situations and I didn't want to be in one again. He agreed. We exchanged phone numbers and he said he would call me the very next day. I didn't believe him because I thought he was really drunk, but he called me! For the first time in a long time I thought maybe, just MAYBE he was different. He picked me up from my place and took me to his. Showed me around his house and then we cuddled in his bed and watched Anchor Man Lot's of kisses (he was HORRIBLE/HORRIFYING...sloppy, wet, and gross)....at one point he asked me if I was wearing anything underneath my sweatshirt ...I said yes...and he asked me to take it off...I got scared and said no. After that, after not getting sex out of me that one time, I never talked to him unless I got a hold of him via his phone...in which case he was always busy...never wanted to talk.

I was just "another girl" again.

I don't want to be "another girl" ever again. Ever. Going through all of this, however has made me almost stop trusting guys in general. I would like to be in a relationship again, but it seems every guy is only in for one thing. Even the man I'm interested in now. The one who kissed me while we were both drunk a couple of weeks ago (see previous post, if you want to know more). He had recently broken up with his girlfriend (a little over a month now) and was talking to his friends...saying "If you have any hot friends, send them over, I'll have alcohol." He seems like an amazing guy...and at the same time, he says things like THAT.

I don't understand men.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Tell your cousins all about this...

I suppose by looking at my previous entries and the layout of my blog, it may seem as though I'm a really unhappy person. Which is NOT true! I'm naturally a really bubbly person. I smile a lot and I love life. So I don't want you people getting the wrong idea!

I just had a rough couple of days, which were consequently during the same time I started this blog.

I have to work tonight, which I actually don't mind because I have the next two days off. I plan on going to see the new Harry Potter movie. Which, the only complaint I have is the people who bitch about it. I've always been impressed with the movies. Seriously though folks, you cannot expect 900 pages to fit into the length of a movie. I hate the people who go to the movies simply to come out and complain about how it was nothing like the book. You'd think after the first movie and complaining about it, they wouldn't go to the next one. Obviously, their good enough to keep going back to and paying money to go see. Unless, you like paying to be able to complain. Take the movie for what it is, just like any movie....it's a flipping movie!

Okay, I'm done ranting. :)

I went for a little bike ride today. I usually do a lot of thinking when I exercise, but today I didn't. Oddly enough, the bike ride really cleared my head and I feel a lot better.

I'm working on cleaning my room and rearranging my stuff so it's ready when I have to move.

I'm also listening to Reel Big Fish's new album: Monkey's For Nothin' and the Chimps For Free. They are one of my favorite bands. I don't listen to much ska at all except for them. One thing I should let you know about me: I listen to almost every genre of music and if I haven't I will if you suggest something.

I should get back to cleaning though. I just got called in an hour early to work.
I might post again later on tonight.

*Cheers* Here's to happier posts! :)

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

If you land on your feet, I hope you find a way to make it back to me...

Not a really in depth post today. My room is a disaster right now and I really should get started cleaning it.

Cleaning is always a big project for me though, at least when it comes to my room. I like looking through everything and all of my old things. So it always takes me FOREVER.

I've been feeling a tad better these past couple of days and am almost back to my bubbly, perky self. I think my hormones definitely were to blame this week for my craziness.

I started buying things for my new apartment today which made me happy. It's like I'm getting ready for another chapter in my life. It makes me smile.

I know people don't want to see me complaining about my weight, but I got on the scale this morning, only to see it go up 1.6 pounds. That didn't make me happy at all. So what did I do? I had a bologna sandwich for breakfast and a bowl of mac and cheese for lunch. Healthy, no? I haven't bought groceries for about three weeks now and am living off of my room mates' food. It's cheaper, but I'm totally paying for it. I think after I get some of my room done I'm going to go out running before work. That will probably make me feel a little better.

I some how have it stuck in my head that if I lose the weight, he'll come into my life more. I know I'm wrong, but hey, there's nothing wrong with a little motivation right? No matter how wrong it may be. Funny thing is, I know it's wrong, but I still keep thinking that.

On a side note:

If you really are reading my blog, I would like feedback on the things I write, however, and I really stress this...do not criticize my grammar or hound me for the way I'm feeling. I made this so I could be honest with myself, but still allow others to see it. I still worry that people are going to get the wrong idea about me when they read this, but then I remember, you don't even know my real name, my age (which will probably seem evident over time), or where I live (apparently a place that speaks English). So in truth, I really shouldn't be that worried what people that I don't even know think. This is kind of my way of ridding myself of that fear.

Hope everyone else has a nice day!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

They painted up your secrets with the lies they told to you...

For the record, I'm trying to post a new blog everyday. I plan on being completely honest in all of these posts. It's something I've never been able to do with other blogs because people I knew had access to them. I could never keep a private journal because it never did anything for me. Something about telling someone else my thoughts has always comforted me and now I can completely without worrying what other's will think. No one reading this really knows me. Hell, no one reading this even knows my real name. What is still comforting is the fact that I can get feed back at the same time.

I have never liked girls who have vocally projected to the world (and mind you, on a constant basis) that they think they are fat. So that isn't my intention in this post. I'm not striving for attention. If you think that, stop reading right here. I'm just getting out some feelings I have right now. Contrary to what everyone who knows me thinks, I have an incredibly low self-esteem. Incredibly low.

I weighed myself this morning (naked of course) to find I currently weigh 176.8 pounds (on a side note, I've never, EVER been honest with my weight with anyone). Now, this wouldn't be that much of a problem if I was, say, about 6 feet tall, however, I'm a mere 5'2". My best friend tries to tell me that some of the social problems I have aren't weight related, but I believe they are.

Girls that I'm friends with get more attention from guys. I'm not saying this attention is just because they're attractive. Don't get me wrong, the girls I'm mentioning are great girls. The thing is though...because they are at a nice weight, more people are drawn to them. I have to work harder than they do to get noticed by anyone because of my appearance. I know I have beautiful skin and a really cute face, but that doesn't matter.

I don't understand why I crave that attention, but it makes me really angry when I can be in a room of guys and girls, attempting to be social, start talking, only to be unheard and completely ignored because other girls who weigh less than I do are around.

Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I just need to build confidence, but for some reason I'm led to believe that isn't the case. I have it stuck firmly in my head now that the only way things are going to change is if I lose the weight. Around June 22nd I had started to try and eat healthier. I haven't realized it until now, but I had weighed around 185.2 then. So I suppose a weight loss of 8.4 pounds is not that bad. I should be proud of myself, but I want to weigh less. I think that's part of my problem. I get discouraged.

I realize my fixation with my weight is not a good one. I feel like though, if I can lose the weight, my self-confidence will grow and another problem in my life will be solved.

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts today. My mind is wandering. I may come back to this subject at a later time when I don't feel so rushed.

Monday, July 9, 2007

More than a feeling...

I never thought I would be one of those people to fall fast, but I think I just may be. It worries me because I feel like I'm so naive now. I am the type of person that believes attraction and the want to be with someone takes time. Once you take the time to get to know them, their faults, their strengths, and their wants...only then will you be able to decide fully.

Not this time.

I find myself going completely crazy. I cannot get him out of my mind. Every other guy I have been interested lately has been blown out of the water. I feel so crazy because at this point, I cannot see myself with anyone else except him. I barely know him. I don't know anything about his family, his life, his ambitions.

The only credit I can give myself is that I know I have a gift for being able to read people really well. I can tell he is a good person with a huge heart. I just worry about myself because I have never had feelings like this or rather, such strong feelings like this so soon. I'm trying to find excuses that could attribute to me feeling this way. I haven't been in a relationship for awhile. I have a want to be in one, so maybe the fact that I want one so bad is making me think this is so right.

Still, the second I try thinking that, his face...it just shows up and I can't help but to think that they truly are excuses.

Is it really normal to be like this? Am I just crazy? Am I simply naive?

Sunday, July 8, 2007


A while back, on another blogging type website, I had witnessed people posting a list of 50 things about themselves. I think this is probably the best way to introduce myself.

1. Becca is not my real name (nor is it any other form of that). If you really must know, I went on a chatting website once and was feeling experimental. A man offered to call me to have phone sex and I used that name instead of my real one.

2. I've been told I have a huge heart, but I believe it is one of my true downfalls.

3. I am in love with all types of music. Music is generally a big part of my life.

4. I lead people on to believe I've been in a couple of relationships. I've only been truly labeled a man's girlfriend once and it lasted a little over a month.

5. I tell people I'm a bad liar, but in truth (ha), I'm actually so damn good at it, I can make them believe that.

6. I am female. I watch porn.

7. I've been attracted to girls, but I do not consider myself bi-sexual. I consider myself attracted to those very few girls.

8. The man I'm interested in right now is one of my room mate's best friends and has only kissed me once...while he was drunk.

9. I have this slowly growing fear that my best friend (who deserves an award for being able to put up with me for this long) has and had always had feelings for me, despite the serious relationship that he's in.

10. Almost every guy I'm good friends with now, I was attracted to at some point in my life.

11. I'm still trying to learn what love really is.

12. I fear I'm going to turn into one person I know: almost 40, not married, and no boyfriend

13. I do not like being alone. I don't care whether it's an animal or a person, I just don't like being completely by myself in a place.

14. I associate everything with music: places, people, moments in my life.

15. I like the color purple.

16. I am a very annoying drunk.

17. Those who I work with see me as very mature. My closest friends see me as incredibly naive.

18. I have an unbelievably low self-esteem.

19. No man has ever given me flowers. (No, my ex never bought me any either)

20. I always dream up what I want to happen in my life next. This has only been turned into a reality once. It was when I wanted to see a boy at a get together when I was younger.

21. I'm almost certain I could be diagnosed with some sort of mental disorder, but I'm too scared to ever get that checked out.

22. I use to self-mutilate.

23. Following suite, I have attempted suicide once. Even though I say I have more than that. I was unintelligent about it at the time, however. I took a few headache pills and a bunch of very large vitamin pills because I had remembered at the time hearing somewhere that too much iron could kill you. I just woke up the next morning with a terrible stomach ache and nothing more. I make more of a big deal out of it than it really is.

24. I like to write (or type, if you want to call it that...I suppose blog in general), but I think I'm terrible at it.

25. I eat. A lot.

26. I tell people I don't, but I have less respect for those who smoke cigarettes.

27. Another one of my worst fears is turning out like my father.

28. I always feel like the odd one out in any social situation.

29. I crave a lot of attention.

30. I wish people could give me as much support as I give out to them.

31. I love the smell of rain.

32. I love onions too.

33. I wish I had the ability to be visually artistic.

34. I tell people I live without regrets, but I have them.

35. My favorite number is 13.

36. I hate acrylic (fake) nails.

37. I've kissed more people than I can count. I can say only (maybe) two were truly meaningful. I was drunk for the majority of them.

38. I want to be done with that part in my life. I want nothing more now than to be in a serious relationship. My partying days are over.

39. I sometimes wish my parents had raised me a little better and were there for me more than they are now (or ever were).

40. I love cuddling.

41. I want to learn more about constellations, so when I finally get to lay outside on a clear night next to someone special, I'll know what I'm looking at.

42. I procrastinate too much for my own good.

43. I crave to have the motivation that those close around me have.

44. I use to read a lot more than I do now.

45. I have an extreme want to please others.

46. The thought of raising children scares me when I see how many around me have turned out.

47. If I turn out to be half as great as some of my older friends, I will be a really happy person.

48. I've been told I smile a lot, but it really hides everything else.

49. I can be a really good listener, but sometimes when people talk to me, I daydream.

50. I love movie quotes.