Tuesday, July 10, 2007

They painted up your secrets with the lies they told to you...

For the record, I'm trying to post a new blog everyday. I plan on being completely honest in all of these posts. It's something I've never been able to do with other blogs because people I knew had access to them. I could never keep a private journal because it never did anything for me. Something about telling someone else my thoughts has always comforted me and now I can completely without worrying what other's will think. No one reading this really knows me. Hell, no one reading this even knows my real name. What is still comforting is the fact that I can get feed back at the same time.

I have never liked girls who have vocally projected to the world (and mind you, on a constant basis) that they think they are fat. So that isn't my intention in this post. I'm not striving for attention. If you think that, stop reading right here. I'm just getting out some feelings I have right now. Contrary to what everyone who knows me thinks, I have an incredibly low self-esteem. Incredibly low.

I weighed myself this morning (naked of course) to find I currently weigh 176.8 pounds (on a side note, I've never, EVER been honest with my weight with anyone). Now, this wouldn't be that much of a problem if I was, say, about 6 feet tall, however, I'm a mere 5'2". My best friend tries to tell me that some of the social problems I have aren't weight related, but I believe they are.

Girls that I'm friends with get more attention from guys. I'm not saying this attention is just because they're attractive. Don't get me wrong, the girls I'm mentioning are great girls. The thing is though...because they are at a nice weight, more people are drawn to them. I have to work harder than they do to get noticed by anyone because of my appearance. I know I have beautiful skin and a really cute face, but that doesn't matter.

I don't understand why I crave that attention, but it makes me really angry when I can be in a room of guys and girls, attempting to be social, start talking, only to be unheard and completely ignored because other girls who weigh less than I do are around.

Maybe it's all in my head, maybe I just need to build confidence, but for some reason I'm led to believe that isn't the case. I have it stuck firmly in my head now that the only way things are going to change is if I lose the weight. Around June 22nd I had started to try and eat healthier. I haven't realized it until now, but I had weighed around 185.2 then. So I suppose a weight loss of 8.4 pounds is not that bad. I should be proud of myself, but I want to weigh less. I think that's part of my problem. I get discouraged.

I realize my fixation with my weight is not a good one. I feel like though, if I can lose the weight, my self-confidence will grow and another problem in my life will be solved.

Sorry about the jumbled thoughts today. My mind is wandering. I may come back to this subject at a later time when I don't feel so rushed.


fishwithoutbicycle said...

I think it's amazing that you can be so honest in your blog, I am sure you will touch upon a lot of things many women feel but are afraid to vocalise. The fact that you can do so, even anonymously, is a reason to give yourself a huge pat on the back.

I have to say I tend to agree with your friend that weight isn't everything in attracting a man. Some men will love you for your curves, some won't, just like some men like blondes, others brunettes. I do agree that losing weight will potentially give you confidence, but i think gaining that confidence should be your primary focus. Learn to love yourself and others will follow - I know that sounds very Oprah of me ;-) However I do believe that people who are truly happy in themselves draw in other people simply because they are happy.

People subconsciously wonder what's their secret, so as well as trying to be healthier - please don't turn into a Nicole Richie stick insect - better the va va voom of Sophie Loren - I'd encourage you to try and find something to focus on which makes you happy. For me it was salsa dancing, I floated on air whenever I left class and men I passed on the street would smile and say hello. I couldn't believe it, that had never happened before.

The trick is finding something that gives you that lift. It's not easy, so try everything and whatever you decide, don't do it because you hope to meet a man through it, because if it doesn't happen you'll be even more disappointed, but do it for you, for the pure joy of doing it. By making yourself happy, you'll realise you don't need a man...and that's when they come knocking, although by then you'll be like "Nahhhh men, no thanks, they're more trouble than they're worth" ;-) Good luck!!

Jen Russell said...

Yes I have to agree with "fishwithoutbicycle". You are very brave to be this honest!! And reading I feel like I'm writing it, I don't know how old you are but everything in your blog is my 18- 24 years. I had the lowest self-confidence in the world even though I am 6' and 150lbs and no one knew why I didn't like who I was. I felt starved for attention even though I had lots of friends, I was happy bubbly on the outside but I would cry myself to sleep because a man didn't love me( and I didn't love me). I reacted the exact same way you did! I think we try to hard to pursue then don't know what to do when we get there!
Salsa Dancing is a great idea, my cure was a lady named Kathy!! Kathy was the "not as pretty friend" but for some reason she wanted nothing more than to play my wing man and help me out! She told me I was fantasic and beautiful so many times until I finally believed it and I didn't need male attention I just had fun in life and was happy! Since then I have lost some of it but I still know that nobody else can love me unless I love me and I try everyday to remember who I am and why I love me!
I would like to hear a male's comment on this blog though because all I understand about men is that I don't understand them! Keep up the good work!! You will get there- then trip-then stand up anounce you are O.K. and then be there! :)